One home for another

Home has become a loosely defined term for me in the last several years as I spend time between Uganda and Indiana. Any time I leave one place, I say I'm going home to the other. I know there will be much I'll miss while I'm gone, but I also know I'm able to be present at the home where I'm headed. There is always a give and take when I have 2 families, 2 communities, and 2 lives on different sides of the world.

Today we leave Indiana to re-enter our lives in Uganda. In the early days of Leo's life I sat with him by the pond where I spent so many childhood summers and whispered to him that he could always call this place home, no matter where our family lives. Indiana has always given me roots and I hope it gives my son the same sense of belonging.

This time it is particularly hard to tear myself away and say goodbye. I've spent a few months here, the longest period of time since high school. l brought my son into the world here and received an outpouring of love and support from my family and community. It's been a time of healing in many ways and the thought of leaving lets me know I'm going on with my life, this time as a mother, and I step into it all feeling a little shaky and unsure of myself.

But my in-laws and friends anxiously await our arrival at our other home in Uganda and I know we will receive an equal amount of love and support from that community. Although goodbyes and transitions are never easy, I'm beyond grateful we have 2 homes immersed in 2 loving communities to embrace us and delight with us in this new addition to our family. 

Here are some scenes around my Indiana  home.

The Whirlwind

We said we would stay in the US for a month after the baby came, thinking that would give us plenty of time; but here we are, packing our bags, with just a handful of days left before we fly home and I'm in awe it's that time already.  Wasn't Leo was just born?

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind, a roller coaster, a dizzying swirl of emotions, recovery, logistics, and preparations for returning to our lives in Uganda.  The days and nights have blurred together.  I've sobbed at the hardships of breastfeeding and wept at the beauty of it.  I've faced the highs and lows that come with postpartum and learned what feels like a million life lessons.  Suddenly Leo has gained a full pound and he's changed so much since he was born!  I already want to tell him to stop growing up, to remain my little peanut forever.

Life moves on and we must, too.  That date on our plane tickets is edging closer and the transition back to our life in Uganda is unavoidable.  The biggest lesson of it all might be to revel in each moment and soak it all in - the hard and the beautiful - or else this whirlwind might just take me over.


*I'm absolutely in love with these photos of Leo and our family by Ashley Sommer Photography.  Enjoy!*

Our son, Leo.

Leo Walker Kreutter
Born May 12, 2015
8 lbs. 2 oz.     21.5 inches long

Leo because lion is a symbol of courage, strength, and bravery.  Courage comes from coeur, meaning heart.  May he always find the courage to listen to his heart and the strength and bravery required to follow it.

During labor, his low heart rate required a transfer from home to the hospital, but it quickly resolved itself and all turned out well.  Even coming into this world, he is Leo the Lionhearted.

The day of birth and the few following days were some of the hardest of my life, but also some of the most empowering.  Now we are slowly figuring out this dance of life together, the three of us learning each others' cues - when to lead, when to fall in step.  And the oxytocin, the love hormone, works its magic.

This beautiful poem really got me.  I still can't make it through without crying:

SELFLESSNESS

A mother who gives herself
completely to her infant meets
herself in the dark and finds
fulfillment.

In the hours between midnight
and dawn, she crosses the
threshold of self-concern and
discovers a Self that has no limits.
A wise mother meets this
Presence with humility and steps
through time into selflessness.
Infants know when their mothers have
done this, and they become peaceful.

Who, then, is the doer? Is it the infant
who brings its mother through the veil
of self-concern into limitlessness?  Is it
the mother, who chooses to hold
sacred her infant's needs and
surrender herself?  Or is it the
One, which weaves them both
through a spiraling path
toward wholeness?

From an incredibly beautiful book, The Tao of Motherhood, by Vimala McClure

 

And another great poem by my husband about this tiny new life. 

Knitting Frenzy

Since I've been home in Indiana, I've been in a bit of a knitting frenzy.

Before, I could only knit something in the shape of a square or rectangle, but now look at me go!  I've made a few garments for myself and some cute little things for Toto.  With the extra time on my hands while we still await the baby's arrival, I scour the web for more patterns and try to keep myself sane by knitting away.

Donna poncho by Tahki Stacy Charles, Axis vest by Shibui Knits, and Camp tank by Malikoo

Top knot hat by Mack and Mabel, baby mitts by Spud and Chloe, bitty baby booties by Small + Friendly

Baby pants by Pa Avigsidan, Diaper covers by Tricksy Knitter

Also, I keep reading this beautiful article over and over.

Waiting on Nature, in Nature

A couple of days ago, I lamented to Eric about how bored I am as we await the arrival of Toto.  I had taken a few guilt-filled days binge watching episodes of Scandal and wanted to find better ways to fill my time.  I then read my own blog post when I announced my pregnancy and laughed at how, at that time, I deeply desired "solitude and easiness of life," which I now have in abundance.  This time, I'm complaining that I just want something to DO.

Dad helped us discover the Douglas Preserve in Hamilton, Indiana, just a few miles from home, and it has been a God-send.  We have been there 3 times in the past week and it's become my favorite way to pass the time, to get my butt moving, and to enjoy the coming forth of Spring.  The baby will come when Nature calls it forth and until then, I'll be waiting and walking and communing with so many forms of life in this place, as much as I can.

When I found out I was pregnant, I happened to be reading a fantastic book, When the Heart Waits, by Sue Monk Kidd, which I should revisit.

Also, due dates are a lie.  Do yourself and any pregnant woman a favor and ignore them.