Dying for New Life

I'm rarely in the US for the changing of seasons, so this week, as the snow melts and the weather starts to warm up, I find myself drinking in this transition into Spring. 

A couple of days ago, I walked around our yard to see what beauties of nature I could find.  I noticed a few straggling leaves on each tree - leaves who had refused their time of death in Autumn and instead clung to their life as they knew it on the limb. They had somehow made it through a brutal winter, still stubbornly hanging on.  But new life is coming soon, and these old guys are in for a big wake-up call when they'll be forced to finally give up the fight and let the new buds spring forth in their place.

I also have a new life on the way, set to arrive in about 6 weeks.  I've noticed patterns in my dreams, revealing the fears tucked away in my subconscious about all I must die to in order to let this new life really thrive.  Even as I write a list in my journal of these things I know I must let go, I feel a deep resistance to it all. To...

Letting go of a spontaneous life. Letting go of my precious sleep. Letting go of my body as I know it. Letting go of my youth.  Letting go of how I desire to use my time.

The wise have always told us that Death is always required if New Life is to enter, and all of nature seems to be telling me this, too.  I cherish the fact that my baby will be born in Springtime and in the Easter season - a whole season dedicated to New Life after a winter of hibernation and death.

“Love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many many endings, and many many beginnings – all in the same relationship.”
— Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run With the Wolves
 

So I also write down all that will be brought forth if I choose to let go of the old and usher in this New Life.  I will gain...

A kind of love I've not yet known.  A growing relationship with Eric. An opportunity to question and learn and grow in myself. A connection with every other parent on the planet. An added piece of my identity.

I know I must let go in order to gain.  I look inward and tell myself not to be like those stubborn leaves, hanging onto their old lives and refusing to fall into what is.  So I let myself die to the old things in order to give birth to something entirely new.

Is there something you must die to in order to bring forth something new in your life?

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.”
— Ecclesiastes 3:1-5

Nesting

I promised myself that I would take my pregnancy as a time to rest and as an opportunity to reflect more on my inner life; but looking back at the last 7 months, this baby has been in 8 countries and 11 US states in utero, a great indication that my intention for rest has certainly not been achieved.

But last week, I arrived at my Hoosier home, my final stopping place before little Toto*, our baby, makes an appearance in this world.  There is a cabin next to my parents' house, filled with the cabinets and furniture from my grandparents' old home, stocked with their dishes, and decorated with my grandmother's quilts and pictures of my extended family. 

Upon arrival at home, I began unpacking my things and nesting in this cozy place.  I now spend my mornings in quiet meditation, looking out at pond, now frozen, where I spent so much of my childhood.  In the evenings, I knit by the fireplace while listening to a podcast or audiobook.  I have no internet or television and I like it this way.  Finally, I'm getting the rest I've promised myself from the beginning.

This place symbolizes family and heritage for me.  It gives me a sense of grounding in my life that is literally all over the place; it is, to me, a place where I take off my wings and I feel my roots.  This is where I will stay for the next 3 months, where Eric will soon join me to await Toto's birth, and this will be the very place where Toto is welcomed into our family.

 
 
 
 

*Toto means "baby" in Swahili.  It is the name we've chosen to refer to our unborn baby, since we've decided not to know the gender.

The Charm of Vermont

I had a day in Vermont with a colleague-turned-friend, who graciously gave me a tour of the area's charming towns and countryside.  These places and spaces were dreamy, even in the wintertime, and we had a great time together on our whirlwind winter tour.

The words 'quaint' and 'charming' describe almost every place we visited, from her own wood-heated cabin to the tavern across the street, the covered bridges, the diner, the farm, and the yarn shop.  It was small town America at its best, with local shops lining the streets, neighbors chatting it up wherever they run into each other, and the beauty of the countryside always accessible.

This week's delights

"It requires no special talent or effort to look at our world and point out the things that numb us, or dumb us down, or depress us. In fact, it’s a no-brainer! But becoming keenly and consistently aware of what’s good, true, beautiful, and life-giving around us and within us demands a discipline: we must open our eyes, minds, and hearts. And we must keep them open.

The reward for that discipline is great: as we open up, we start to see beauty everywhere, not only in nature, but in human nature.  There's a lot of bad news out there, but there's a lot of good news as well.  Pass the word and help keep hope alive!"
-Parker Palmer, as quoted from the OnBeing blog
 

Here are a few things from my week that are good and beautiful and for which I am grateful.  Although they are small, some are miracles in their own way.  What have you found to be life-giving this week?  "Pass the word and help keep hope alive!"

1) Unwrapping uplifting thoughts

 
 

2) Finding a beautiful hard copy of my favorite book at a used bookstore.  Now I can treasure both my well-loved copy and this pristine one, both for different reasons.

 
 

3) Natural cold relief to get me through my second cold since being in America.

4) Finding these simple and elegant earrings, made in New Mexico and bought at a local boutique in Portsmouth, NH.

5) Browsing through my host's book collection and flipping through all the great finds.

 
 

Hibernation

The last couple of weeks have been full of great people - so many great people!  We've hosted friends from Africa, connected with friends from the Middle East and India, and caught up with friends from across America.  We heard inspirational speakers, met new people, and I've had deeply touching one-on-one conversations with many.  These people have energized my spirit and I find myself jotting notes of wisdom I garner from them as I go.

As much as I've been energized inwardly, I came to the end of my time in Washington, DC physically drained and exhausted.  My body, often the wiser one, has told me to stop with the onset of a cold.

So now, hibernation.

I found my way up to Maine in between winter storms and I'm now staying in a cozy home, looking out my window at over 3 feet of snow.  I'm doing a training in Conscious Social Change with a partner organization, Global Grassroots.  The home of Gretchen, the founder, is filled with handmade furniture, plants, books, and memorabilia from her travels around the world, all making it feel like a semblance of my own home.  Our training involves, among other things, elements of self-care and mindfulness, bringing me back to a sense of balance and rest, both of which I badly need.  I now let myself tune in to the winter season, shut myself into this comfort, and hibernate from the world for a bit.

Here are some photos and bits of wisdom I've collected from all those lovely people over the last couple of weeks:

“Sharing achievements creates competition, but sharing vulnerabilities creates relationships.”
“Prayer is great for bringing inner peace and strength, but it doesn’t change anything outside. It is up to us to act and make change from that inner place.”
— The Dalai Lama
“The word ‘agree’ comes from the same word as ‘symphony.’ It is not the same instruments that are playing, or even the same notes, but they are still making something beautiful.”
 
 
“You can do more than you think you can, but it’s not always wise. (In regards to pregnancy, parenting, and balance with other areas of life.)”
“We should not develop an attachment to one’s own faith...we think we only need one truth, but we need a concept of several truths.”
— The Dalai Lama