The Pests

The shoulds and the not-enoughs creep into my life and start building nests in my home when I don’t even realize it.  I thought I had fumigated and taken enough preventative measures for those bitches to stay away.  Sure, maybe one or two would come back to scurry across my day now and then, but I never realized they had actually bunkered down for the long haul.

I’ve read enough Brene Brown to drown out perfectionism and people-pleasing for good, so I thought.  Quotes from her books, her TED Talks, her podcasts, her blog are strewn throughout my journal – my attempt at should and not-enough control.  I also have 3 reminders on my phone to ding at my daily, asking me who I am trying to please, if I have a should scurrying around in my mind, or a not-enough scratching at my brain.  But these guys are durable.  It’s like they’ve trans-mutated into Ultrashoulds and Never-Enoughs.  They have crept into my life so slowly, I didn’t even realize they were there, despite all my preventative measures.  And they’ve stayed quiet, slowly growing into big scary monsters just waiting to make their debut and take me down.  One-by-one, they nestled into my life, staying until the landscape changed around their presence and they blended in perfectly unnoticed. 

But now I see they are here.  And they stare at me, daring me to take them on.