Pregnancy is known to draw women deeply within, to open her to all kinds of emotions and consciousness she didn't even know she had. There was a day last December when I faced a deep and dark side of myself. I wrote down what I could comprehend, and I just came across that writing in my journal. I remember feeling so dark and heavy at the time, but now re-reading what I wrote, it seems hopeful and beautiful. I love how the dark and the light dance together.
This was me on December 20, 2014. This was one point in my journey and in my own process of becoming.
20 December 2014
This I know to be true:
We are all connected. All of humanity is intertwined with each other. One cannot stand alone. It is impossible Everything we do, every action we take, every thought we have has both been affected by countless others and will affect countless others.
Even someone who has decided to live according to self-interest will soon see that the happiness of others directly affects his/her own happiness. Our struggles as well as our joys are tied together, the world over. In the end, my liberation, my joy is tied to that of every other being. This I know to be true.
I don't know if there is a god or what the spiritual world is made of. I don't know how much we humans have convinced ourselves of what we wish to believe. I don't know if there is anything after this life or even if there is any purpose to our individual lives and to our collective existence.
I have questioned it all and I doubt all of the answers I have found. I have felt the overwhelming darkness that comes with the shattering of all I wish to be true, and I have wanted to escape this world for a peaceful nothingness.
Most Truth eludes me. I cannot grasp it and I will never know it. But now, I know that even if our lives have no eternal meaning, even if the soul is a figment of our imagination, and even if purpose is laughable, our happiness is still tied together Our enjoyment of life and our very humanity is bound as one. What benefits the other benefits me in the end.
And I believe this binding of all of humanity to one another is the potential vessel of love. If there is a god, God is this network that binds us. We are bound either by love and goodness in each and every action and thought, or we are bound by hurt, by harm to each other, to the environment, to ourselves. That love/goodness and that harm/hurt is what most people think of as God. It is simply the network, the binds, the connections that tie us all to one another and is a conduit for energy to pass through - and that energy is helpful for harmful, sometimes a strange combination of both, and it flows continuously through this network, touching all things. Every action affect more than we can imagine and eventually comes back to ourselves.
We are one. We are connected. In all ways. This I know to be true.