My Sunday started off peacefully. Our good friend, Tyler, came over in the morning and we had our usual Sunday breakfast and a chat together. When he left, I dreamed of all I'd do with the rest of my day - I wanted to buy some plants for my yard and plant them with help from my dogs. I wanted to go to the pool for a swim and finish a book and maybe do a meditation. All the while, I would take pictures of this peacefulness, I thought, and post them on my blog and have people think I'm such a peaceful person.
I had a good start:
When Tyler left, I promptly started my peaceful Sunday, camera-in-tow, and headed off to buy some plants. I came back with those plants, but the purchasing of them was a not a simple process. Soon, the annoyance of the purchasing process led to me being angry at the state of our landscaping, which led to the spilling out of frustrations about living cross-culturally, which led to thoughts of where my life was going, which led to questioning my worth.
So my dreamed-of peaceful Sunday turned into one of those days when I found myself on a couch, releasing my stream of consciousness onto Eric, surrounded by snotty wads of tissue, none of which I photographed.
But it didn't end there. All of this eventually led to a voicing of dreams I had never really let myself acknowledge. I realized that as I have continued to pursue my own creativity and what brings me joy, I have started dreaming of a new path for myself, one that leads to a possibly smaller, but deeper life, one that nurtures a deeper kind of peace within me rather than one that is technically "doing good," but fuels my righteous anger. Giving voice to these thoughts was really scary because it could mean a renewal of my outward identity, possible failure, and facing lots of unknowns.
I eventually pulled myself together enough to grab Ethiopian food with my friend, Amber, and after that, I came home and watched a movie. I didn't go to the pool or meditate. I never worked in my yard with the dogs and I didn't finish a book.
But that night, I wrote this in my journal: "Isn't it funny how facing your dreams and facing your fears go hand-in-hand?"
P.S. Today I read this article, which is not only beautiful, but so timely in accordance with my Peaceful Sunday that Wasn't: