Discernment and cross-cultural parenting

I count myself lucky to mother between two cultures.  While my heritage is from the West, I live in Uganda and this affords me the opportunity to take a step back and have a look at parenting from a couple different perspectives. Parents in my own country value "experts" and efficiency; we devour books and choose our individual "parenting style" -  a term that can bring nearly as much division as religion and politics.  Ugandans, on the other hand, have a common way to parent and they count on wisdom that has been passed down.  Everyone helps because everyone does it the same.  I can't count the number of times I've lost track of my baby as he was passed from one set of hands to the next, quite often to someone I have never met, a practice we Americans would never dream of (I'm still working on my comfort level with this). 

I have been privileged to compare these two ways, helping me see what is universal and what is simply cultural and I've identified goodness and the weaknesses in both cultures' approaches to parenting.  While I believe there is something beautiful in trusting the time-honored ways of mothering, I'm also grateful for scientific research to quell the many myths floating about.  And while I love the scientific evidence, I try to stick with books and other resources that don't instill fear or undermine mothers' wisdom, but instead encourage me to trust my instincts and love for my child.

Through it all, each mother and father must choose their own ways to discern what is best for their child and their family.  Over the last several months, somewhat subconsciously at first, I developed a few questions to help guide me in the many decisions parents must make on a daily basis.  In the end, people from both Uganda and America have questioned my ways.  I glean from both cultures, but tend not to fit well into either one.  But then, all a mother can do is march on doing her best, with confidence, boldness, and most of all, love.

My questions for discernment in parenthood:

Have mothers/parents throughout the millennia counted on this product/method?  Or has this product/method just come into existence in the last couple of generations and is it unique to my culture?

Does this product/method encourage closeness or distance between me and my child?  Does it build trust in our relationship?

Does this product/method place my comfort and needs over that of my child?

Is there good scientific evidence supporting the use of this product/method?

What is my motivation for using this product/method?  Is it to have control?  To be accepted by others?  Do I really have my baby's best interest in mind?

My favorite books:

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by La Leche League International
Attached at the Heart by Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker
Sweet Sleep by La Leche League International
The Tao of Motherhood by Vimala McClure

What would you add?
 

A flight to Kidepo valley

As December marches on toward the end of 2015, I'm reminded of how we ended our year in 2013 - the last time we stayed in Uganda for the holidays.  We had nothing out of the ordinary planned for the last week of the year, but we ended up winning the lottery, so to speak, of New Years trips.  To make a long story short, we finagled our way into a flight to Kidepo valley, location of the most remote game park in Uganda, with a 2-night stay at one of the best lodges in the country.  Others had dropped out of an all-expenses paid trip and through a friendly travel agent and a generous mother-in-law, we were offered their spots.

More to come on the game park, lodge, and the people of that region in the coming weeks, but for now I share with you the beauty of the flight across Uganda and into Kidepo valley.  We flew low in our small plane over the shores of Lake Victoria spotting island fishing villages, followed the Nile River up to Murchison Falls National Park and convinced the pilot to circle the famous falls, then landed in the remote valley spotted with the huts of the Karamajong tribe.  Flights like these are always a treat, reminding me of the great beauty and diversity of this country.

November finds

A few of my favorite finds from the month of November:

Image from Nisolo

Image from Nisolo

Top favorite: Handmade jewelry from Nisolo, made in Kenya and perfectly basic.  My love started with supporting their Kickstarter campaign and now I anxiously await the arrival of some great brass jewelry.  Happy Birthday to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Favorite video: Now, when I miss my Indiana home, I can watch a few videos of the action on the farm, taken by my brother's drone

Walker Farms GP Waterloo, IN www.walker-farms.com @h250r


Favorite article: A timely and well-thought piece by Wendell Berry - Thoughts in the Presence of Fear

Favorite recipe:  Basil chicken curry, a perfectly easy and delicious recipe to host family members who were visiting for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Favorite new song:  I'm jumping on the bandwagon with Everglow by Coldplay

Favorite quote:

“Come away, O human child,
to the waters and the wild
with a faery, hand in hand,
For the world’s more full of weeping than you can understand.”
— Yeats

Favorite comedic relief: Sometimes it's the absurdity that makes it fun to live in Uganda.  Take a man smuggling goats in dresses to pass them off as children, for example.

Favorite new word: insouciant - free from concern, worry, or anxiety; carefree; nonchalant. From Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard

Favorite product: I had these rattling links made for Leo from cow horn.  He absolutely loves them.  Now I'm selling them for other babes.

Unwinding in Lake Mburo

Uganda has taught me how ridiculous we Americans are when we glorify being busy.  Over the past few years, while living in Uganda, I've reveled in living a life balanced between work, play, and rest, trying to avoid my culture's tendency toward workaholism.  But then I had a baby and started a new business in my "free time," besides continuing to work my other job.  For better or for worse, busy has been the word of the season for me.  Between the new business (stay tuned for details on that), Eric's PhD, our jobs, and our baby, there has been little time for rest and play in the last few months.

So when Eric's sister and her fiance (also named Eric!) came to visit for the Thanksgiving holiday, we were grateful for the opportunity to unplug with them for just a day and half at Lake Mburo National Park.  This park is often overlooked on the tourist circuit, but it is a fantastic place for a quick get-away from Kampala.  The last time I was there, I took a weekend of solitude after another busy period of life to contemplate my pregnancy.  This time, we took our 6-month old baby on his first safari.

We were spoiled during our stay at Mihingo Lodge, certainly the most luxurious in the park.  We enjoyed the incredible food in the lodge decked out in Swahili chic decor - my favorite style.  There was an infinity pool overlooking a watering hole and we had coffee on our cabin's porch while watching the sun rise over Lake Mburo (well, Eric watched the sunrise.  I slept!)  We even saw bush babies, a nocturnal primate, at Mihingo Lodge's deck they have built for them to come and snag a few snacks.

We were so grateful for the time away, even just a day and a half, to unwind and enjoy the company of family in this serene environment.

The Pests

The shoulds and the not-enoughs creep into my life and start building nests in my home when I don’t even realize it.  I thought I had fumigated and taken enough preventative measures for those bitches to stay away.  Sure, maybe one or two would come back to scurry across my day now and then, but I never realized they had actually bunkered down for the long haul.

I’ve read enough Brene Brown to drown out perfectionism and people-pleasing for good, so I thought.  Quotes from her books, her TED Talks, her podcasts, her blog are strewn throughout my journal – my attempt at should and not-enough control.  I also have 3 reminders on my phone to ding at my daily, asking me who I am trying to please, if I have a should scurrying around in my mind, or a not-enough scratching at my brain.  But these guys are durable.  It’s like they’ve trans-mutated into Ultrashoulds and Never-Enoughs.  They have crept into my life so slowly, I didn’t even realize they were there, despite all my preventative measures.  And they’ve stayed quiet, slowly growing into big scary monsters just waiting to make their debut and take me down.  One-by-one, they nestled into my life, staying until the landscape changed around their presence and they blended in perfectly unnoticed. 

But now I see they are here.  And they stare at me, daring me to take them on.